How to ask for feedback – dos and don’ts

A real example of feedback going wrong

One of my earliest lessons in how badly feedback can go came from my time at the BBC. I was new to television, finding my feet, doing what so many of us do in the early stages of a career: trying hard, hoping it shows and quietly wondering if I’m actually any good. I knew I wasn’t awful, because I hadn’t been sacked, but that’s hardly a confidence-building benchmark.

So I did what felt brave. I went to the editor of the programme I appeared on. He’d seen countless presenters grow and improve. Surely he’d have a nugget of wisdom or two. I knocked on his door, asked for a couple of minutes and said something along the lines of, “I’d really like to know how I’m doing, and if you’ve any ideas on how I can improve.”

What I got back was not wisdom.

He looked me up and down and said, “I don’t know if you’re a bimbo who just reads the autocue or whether you actually know what you’re doing.”

It was one of those moments where the world tilts for a second. Not because the comment was useful. It wasn’t. It wasn’t even feedback. It was a lazy, sexist dig wrapped in a shrug. It told me nothing about my work and everything about his attitude.

And here’s the thing: I hadn’t gone in expecting flattery. I genuinely wanted guidance. But the moment someone makes it personal, it stops being feedback and starts being something that chips away at you. That comment stayed with me far longer than it deserved to.

Looking back, I can see it for what it was: a completely unhelpful response from the wrong person at the wrong time. But standing there in the moment, it stung. It knocked me off my perch. It made me doubt myself in a way that had nothing to do with my actual ability.

And that’s why asking for feedback can feel risky. Because sometimes people fling their own biases at you instead of anything remotely constructive.

How unhelpful or personal feedback affects confidence

When feedback lands badly, it doesn’t just bruise your ego for a moment. It can get right under your skin. That comment from my editor stayed with me far longer than it had any right to. Not because it contained truth, but because it hit that vulnerable spot we all have when we’re trying to grow. You go in with genuine intent, you open yourself up, and suddenly you’re dealing with something personal rather than something useful.

And that’s the danger with unhelpful feedback. It blurs the line between your work and your worth. Instead of giving you something to build on, it makes you shrink. You second guess yourself. You hesitate. You play small to avoid another sting.

Confidence doesn’t disappear in big dramatic moments. It often drains away in these tiny cuts. The throwaway remark. The careless tone. The lazy assumption about who you are or what you can do. They stack up if you let them.

The worst part is how quickly your brain grabs hold of the negative. You can have ten moments of praise, but the one misplaced jab can sit there echoing for days. It’s completely human, but it can be completely exhausting.

And that’s why it’s so important to separate useful feedback from the emotional noise. Not everything deserves your attention. Not everyone deserves access to your confidence. Some responses are just people revealing more about themselves than about your performance.

When you understand that, feedback becomes less threatening. You stop absorbing everything as truth and start treating it as information. Some you keep. Some you bin. Some you never think about again.

Confidence can survive feedback. It just can’t survive taking the wrong kind of feedback to heart.

Reflecting on what should have happened instead

Looking back at that BBC moment, I can see exactly what I should have done. I shouldn’t have walked away thinking his comment was the final word on my ability. I shouldn’t have let one person’s rudeness carry so much weight. And I definitely shouldn’t have assumed he was the only or best source of insight.

What I should have done is step back and think, right, who else could help me here? Who’s actually seen my work with a generous eye? Who understands what I’m trying to do? Who has the experience, the perspective or even just the goodwill to offer something constructive?

One person alone rarely gives you the full picture. If anything, relying on a single voice makes your confidence too vulnerable to their mood, their biases or their blind spots. A pool of people, though — that’s where the gold is. Ask a few colleagues. Ask someone who does your job. Ask someone who watches you from outside your world. Ask someone who’ll be honest, but not unkind. Even ask your mum if you’re feeling brave, although mine would have fixated on what blouse I had on rather than what I actually said.

Had I gathered thoughts from three or five different people instead of one, I’d have seen the patterns. I’d have found the useful threads. And I’d have realised immediately that his comment said everything about him and nothing about me.

Feedback shouldn’t feel like a verdict. It should feel like input. Something you can sift through, reflect on and use if it serves you. And when you treat it that way — as one perspective rather than a universal truth — you stop letting the wrong voices shrink your confidence.

That’s the shift I wish I’d made sooner.

Top tip 1: Know why you’re asking for feedback

Before you ask anyone anything, pause. What do you actually want from the feedback? Because if you’re not clear on that, you’ll end up with answers you never asked for and definitely didn’t need.

Sometimes I’ve sought feedback when, if I’m honest, what I really wanted was reassurance. A gentle “yes, you were fine” pat on the back. Nothing forensic, nothing detailed. Just a bit of comfort. But because I didn’t say that, I got a whole list of things I could have done differently. Helpful? Maybe. Wanted in that moment? Absolutely not.

So get specific with yourself first. Do you want practical guidance — something concrete you can try next time? Do you want ideas about how to develop, who to talk to, what to explore in your role? Or do you simply want to know whether you’ve landed something well and you can breathe again?

If you don’t know what you’re looking for, no one else will either. And that’s when feedback becomes messy. You go in hoping for clarity and come out with noise.

Being clear about your purpose shapes everything: who you ask, what you ask and how you frame the conversation. It allows the other person to understand the role they’re playing in that moment — adviser, observer, supporter, or sounding board.

Before you knock on anyone’s door or send that message, ask yourself one simple question: What do I want this feedback to help me do?
Once you’ve nailed that, the rest becomes far easier.

Top tip 2: Choose who you ask carefully

Once you know why you’re asking for feedback, the next big question is who should you ask. And this is where so many of us trip up. We go straight to the most senior person in the room because it feels logical. They’re experienced, they’ve seen it all, surely they’ll know what to say. Except sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they’re the worst person you could have chosen.

Not everyone has the ability, the insight or the temperament to give you useful feedback. Some people give you their opinion instead of observation. Some go vague. Some go personal. Some focus on entirely the wrong thing. And some, like my former editor, will give you something so unhelpful it takes you days to shake it off.

So don’t rely on just one voice. Think about gathering ideas from a small range of people. Someone who understands your role. Someone who sees you from the outside. Someone who’s good at spotting strengths. Someone who’s willing to be honest but not cruel. Each person gives you a different piece of the puzzle.

And when you combine those pieces, you get a much clearer picture of yourself and your performance. One person’s view might be wildly off. Three or five people? Now you’ve got patterns. You’ve got themes. You’ve got something that feels grounded, not arbitrary.

Choosing the right people protects your confidence as much as it supports your growth. It means you’re not handing your self-belief to the first person who happens to be nearby. You’re curating your sources, deliberately, thoughtfully, in service of getting better.

Ask the right people, and the quality of your feedback changes completely. Ready for the next one?

Top tip 3: Ask at the right time and make it specific

Timing matters. So does clarity. If you spring a feedback request on someone out of nowhere, you’re almost guaranteed to get something half-formed and unhelpful. People need a moment to think. They need to know what you want them to focus on. They need enough notice to give you something you can actually use.

So don’t do the classic “Have you got a minute? How did I do?” as someone’s dashing to their next meeting. Instead, give them a heads up. Let them know what you’d like them to look for, or what moment you’d like them to reflect on. The more specific your request, the better the quality of what comes back.

• Ask about one thing, not twenty.
• Ask about the bit you’re working on, not the whole universe.
• Ask early enough that they can pay attention with intent rather than trying to recall everything afterwards.

And if you’ve done all that — you’ve thought about why, you’ve chosen who and you’ve framed the request clearly — you give yourself the best possible chance of getting something constructive.

But here’s the final piece of the puzzle: if the feedback you get still isn’t useful, you are allowed to try again. You can rephrase the question. You can go to someone else. You can decide that what they’ve told you isn’t relevant and quietly let it go.

Because feedback is not an order. It’s not a verdict. It’s just information. What you do with that information is entirely up to you.

And that’s the real skill in asking for feedback: knowing when to take it on board and when to pop it straight in the bin.

What to do when the feedback isn’t useful

Even when you ask well, choose the right people and set everything up perfectly, there will still be times when the feedback you get is… a bit rubbish. Vague. Off the mark. Not what you needed. Or just completely unhelpful.

And that’s fine. Because feedback is not a command. It’s not a diagnosis. It’s simply information, and you get to decide what to do with it.

Sometimes you’ll hear something and think, that’s interesting, I can use that. Other times you’ll think, nope, that one’s not for me. And occasionally you’ll get something so wildly irrelevant that you can only assume the person was thinking about someone else entirely.

If what you’ve heard doesn’t help you, don’t twist yourself into knots trying to make it fit. Instead, go back to your purpose. What were you trying to learn? What were you hoping to improve? If the feedback doesn’t move you closer to that, it’s perfectly acceptable to discard it.

You can also change how you ask next time. Maybe you need to be clearer. Maybe you need a different angle. Maybe you need a different person altogether. Asking for feedback is iterative. You refine it each time, just like any other skill.

And if you ever find yourself rattled by someone’s comment, remind yourself of this: people often reveal more about themselves than about you when they give feedback. Their preferences, their biases, their frustrations, their blind spots. Not all of that belongs in your brain.

So hold feedback lightly. Keep what’s useful, release what’s not and remember that your confidence doesn’t have to rise and fall on someone else’s words.

Final thought: Feedback is just information — you choose what happens next

In the end, this is the part we forget. Feedback feels big. It feels official. It feels like someone handing down a verdict on your competence. But really, it’s just information. That’s it. Data. A perspective. One person’s view of one moment in time.

• You don’t have to agree with it.
• You don’t have to act on it.
• You don’t even have to like it.

You get to choose what you do with it.

Some feedback will strengthen you. Some will stretch you. Some will go straight in the bin. And that’s not you being defensive. That’s you filtering. That’s you using your judgement. That’s you protecting your confidence while still staying open to growth.

The worst feedback I ever received taught me something important. Not about my presenting, but about how carefully I needed to handle feedback in general. Who I asked. How I asked. And how much power I gave other people’s opinions over my own sense of self.

So if you’re going to ask for feedback — be intentional. Be selective. Be specific. And remember that the goal isn’t to collect every opinion going. It’s to gather the insights that genuinely help you get better.

And the rest? You can let it drift away.